Ether

I haven’t posted a wordy blog post in a while and felt compelled to do so in the past hour. I finally gathered my thoughts and chose something important to me to write about so here it is.

There’s a place that I call the “Ether”. Some people closely relate the Ether to Nirvana, some even call it the Heavens. I just refer to it as a place where I’m calm and feel safe. I achieve by going to the Ether using my mind. It is a mental state.

The way that I usually get into this state is by listening to music. Music that instantly calms and comforts me. The other way I reach this state is by being in a dark room alone with no sounds or people around me. I usually stay very still and concentrate on nothing or the music.

Here’s an example of a song that can get me to the Ether immediately:

I have to visit the Ether at least once a day. I get anxious throughout a normal day a lot so having at least one moment of time by myself where I don’t feel threatened can carry me on to the next day. I actually stayed up and listened to music until 3am when I was in junior high because I was too bogged down with extracurricular activities through the day to allow myself one moment of peace.

I called this place the Ether starting when I was in junior high because I watched the movie “All About Lily Chou-Chou” which is where the song above came from. The middle school kids in the movie talk about the Ether in the beginning and I thought that the named fit quite well with the place that I went to. If you search Ether on wikipedia you’ll be directed to a compound of some kind. If you continue to the disambiguation and click on “Aether” you’ll be directed to the greek mythological God that represents light or the heavens above where Gods live.

I’m not a Christian so don’t think that this is some silly trance post about visiting Jesus or something. I just chose the name for this place that I cherished so deeply because I found it in a movie and it seemed fitting. Maybe it’s a form of meditation. Or maybe I’m just being lazy.

I came upon writing this post tonight because I was just told something carelessly that had a profound affect on me. I know that the person that said it was very angry and too into the moment so they didn’t mean it, but I’m still very affected by their words 3 hours later. I thought over what they said, deciphered that there was no truth in it, tried to get over it quickly and failed like always. It took me an hour to do so but I visited the Ether because I was getting so progressively anxious that it was getting too much to handle. I needed a release, a safe haven, so I listened to the Gorillaz and went to that place.

I felt a bit better but then I realized that this happens too often. I know exactly if a persons opinion should be seriously reflected upon or not, but at the end of the day I still feel really sad that I disappointed that person. Mind you, it only happens to those close to me. I don’t care about strangers opinions normally. I wanted to reflect more upon this so that’s why I’m typing this.

I’ve done this before. I’ve stayed up for hours and racked my brain for months looking for the reason why I get so involuntarily affected by these menial actions by those who are close to me. I know that I get mad at people and say stuff I don’t mean in the moment from time to time, but other people would easily shoo it away. Instead my mind chooses to dwell on it and cause me to have long-lasting anxiety issues. Maybe I’m a sub-conscious masochist?

I know that you’re reading this and thinking “You need to grow some balls and stop taking everything that everyone says seriously.” I say that to myself a lot and I actually don’t care much about anybody or anything but myself. It’s just that I always sub-consciously revert back to this stage of self-doubt involuntarily and I don’t know why my mind would take such a liking to this. When I go about my usual day I have the most carefree humorous attitude in my mind about fleeting circumstances. I’m actually very quiet and still in real life, but that doesn’t mean that I’m taking everything super seriously. My mind is like 9gag.com and my body is like a statue. However, I do like to act freaking silly a lot too. So I actually don’t take every tiny aspect of my life into this area of my mind that wants me to suffer. It’s just certain little things that turn it on. I’m a lot more carefree when I’m not around my family. Let’s just say that.

Before I start drifting too far into this dark place right before I decide to visit the Ether I always ask myself if I’m doing the right thing.  I look back on circumstances that happened in the past and I start thinking of the horrible things that people could have said about me in making that decision. I always think that people are mocking me for not making the right decision. A good example would be when I order a sandwhich from Jimmy John’s and I look back 3 days later and create situations in my head where the people close to me are calling me “lazy”, “spoiled”, and not good with my money. Actually the last time that happened I got over it and kept ordering from there more frequently than I usually do. I think it was my conscious giving my sub-conscious a huge troll face. It’s like tough love inside of my head.

I guess it’s a habit by now. It affects me greatly when I’m immersed in those bad thoughts and feelings but I know that when I go to my Ether everything will be sucked away and I’ll live my life normally. It just boggles me how I could easily go into that bad state of mind just by a couple of words from my family. It’s mostly just my family. I think I know the reason why, but that may be too personal for the public.

Don’t even try to suggest that I go to a psychiatrist. I will admit that it’s a problem that wears me down, but I’ve gotten a lot better at controlling it. I live 4 hours away from the parts of my family that I grew up with and I barely see my family that lives near me now. I’ve slowly detached myself from daily depression (it only happens every 3 months now) and I laugh at myself pretty much every hour of the day. I’ve become a lot less serious and actually want to become a part of society now since that I moved out of my horrible hometown. I’ve been extremely content with myself and I’ve also adopted a bit of conceitedness …not sure if that’s a good thing. I just realized that the only person that will love me constantly has to be myself so I do every second of the day. Even when I doubt myself I always say “If you made a mistake that affected someone else then you learned something. And if you didn’t learn something from that mistake then you have a flaw that you will have to learn to love.” And I do unconditionally.

This post probably contradicted itself some. I guess you’ll have to read it through a couple of times to fully understand. Paint some pictures in your mind and create some situations. If you’re still confused then comment below. I’ll try to explain myself the best that I can.

I have like the after-shock of the bad thoughts now. The Ether pretty much cleared most of it away. I know that if I speak in a happy tone and act silly towards that person that was displeased with me when I see them next then they’ll have forgotten their bad emotions towards me and move on. How do people do that so easily with people close to them? I can do it easily to a stranger but if it’s someone that’s close to me, forget about it.

I’m going to listen to more Ether inducing music. You should listen too.


And no I don’t take drugs -___- I don’t need that shit.

Later Sweethearts,
Cilla

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the music linked in this post, nor do I own the bands that produced the music. I don’t own any rights to the movie mentioned either.

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