Inspiration: HIM

This may be the ultimate source of inspiration in my life. I’ve grown with this band and they’ve taught me so much that it was hard for me to even start writing this post. I’ve thought about doing this since I started this blog, but I haven’t done it because I don’t want to leave anything out. I’m going to do it this year because I really want to let the world know of this prodigious group of Finns from my perspective.

IMG_0291
HIM’s 2013 Paris Concert!

One day after school I ventured out into our family’s warehouse in our backyard to mess with my brother and his friends. What I thought would just be a few minutes of frustrating my brother and confusing his skating buddies turned into a rather life changing moment. When I stepped into the “Halo Wars” room I was met with a sweet voice and a catchy tune. [My Sweet 666] I navigated myself to the source of instant delight and didn’t leave until three songs were finished. I asked my brother what the band was and he replied “No one you need to know.” So I asked his friend (that actually owned the CD) who told me that it was HIM. I immediately ran back into the house, forgetting my initial intentions of bothering my brother, to Google HIM for hours upon hours. I was 9 years old then and that was the moment where my journey with HIM started.

Screen Shot 2014-02-07 at 7.28.54 PM
Cr: Wikipedia | Click to enlarge!

I remember stealing my brother’s albums that he took from his friends. It was the only way that I could listen to HIM. None of my friends or the people around me, save my brother and his friends, knew about HIM. My brother didn’t approve of my liking to his new favorite band and kept telling me to “get my own band.” I took numerous beatings just to listen to the songs that comforted me most at that time.  Later he ripped the CD’s to our shared computer so I had all the freedom to listen to HIM whenever I wanted. Which was most of the time. This may or may not shock you, but I can truthfully report that I listened to nothing but HIM for 3 months straight. Not even the radio. My music of choice everyday for 3 months was always HIM. This is how I’ve memorized each song’s lyrics, intros, where Ville breathes, the piano scores, the track list order and lengths, and even the lyrical variations from live shows to recorded tracks.

162872_193357867346011_2118433_n
Circa 2011

It took my brother a while, but thanks to one of his friends we bridged the gap between our mutual love for HIM. He accepted that he couldn’t stop me from listening to them and even talked to me about their upcoming releases. Between the time of discovery and my first concert I was a happy HIMster with just a few other HIM lovers around her. I went to my first HIM concert when I was 12 at The House of Blues in Houston, Texas. It was on a Thursday night and my mother had to drive us because we were underage. The concert was quite small and we couldn’t have cameras. I remember being so thoroughly mesmerized by everything that it was hard for me to realize that I was actually seeing them live. It was one of the best nights of my life. I only regret that we didn’t take advantage of the CD signing afterwards. I could have met all of the band members, but I had school the next day…

486731_655454744469652_657339771_n

My love for HIM only increased as time went by. I would always be super happy, no matter whatever else was going on in my life, if I was listening to their music. Happiness is addicting. When I found that special gem in my life that could bring me such instant and pure joy I was a bit over-protective about it. [Dark Light] When HIM reached mass popularity in the US there were tons of children in my school that would represent what I knew of HIM wrongly. They would vandalize school property with Heartagrams everywhere and just give HIMsters such a bad name in general that my principal decided to tell me to take off my HIM merch in front of everyone in the school at lunch because she thought that I was affiliated with a gang. I had a bad temper then (and still do) so I did not hesitate to point out why she was wrong. At this moment in my journey with HIM I detested Dark Light and MTV for bringing them to the attention of people who did not understand HIM like I did. I couldn’t do anything but sit back and watch what was happening unfold in front of me. Despite this, there were lights at the end of the tunnel: I could watch/listen to HIM in the morning on TV, I could buy more merchandise at Hot Topic, and I could see them live more often.

IMG00048-20100430-2248
2nd HIM Concert!

From this point on I followed HIM through their career (of course.) I met many beautiful HIMsters, joined the Houston street team, started the @HIMfacts account on Twitter, and went to 3 concerts (including one in Paris!) I still haven’t met them…yet!

1237114_726931963988596_1079947878_n

If you’re wondering why this is an inspiration post, I’m about to break it down for you.

Because I was a very naïve, sweet, innocent, and quiet girl I got “bullied” a lot. By my family members mostly because they were the ones that I was the closest to the most often. I experienced a very dark period of time from the beginning of my pre-teen years until I graduated high school. I would get teased on anything and everything because I was quiet and “weak.” I wouldn’t do anything about it because I thought that if I did then I would be stooping down to their level, and I didn’t want to be an idiotic monkey or anything close to that. I would suppress my feelings so much that I convinced myself at one point in time that I didn’t have any emotions. People would sometimes call me a mute and I was extremely shy. So shy that I developed social phobia. I would lock myself in my room and ponder about everything that was wrong with me. I’m wasn’t out-going enough, I wasn’t smart or quick enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I didn’t think how everyone else thought, I couldn’t make anyone happy, I wasn’t good for anything, I was useless… These thoughts stemmed from those who thought that their words didn’t make a difference in this quiet girl’s life. They were wrong of course. I would only stay in my room, not eat much (one meal a day), put on a fake smile when people talked to me, get emotional when they asked me if I was okay (every single time. It still happens sometimes today), wear black clothes so that no one would notice me, never smile or entice anyone to come near me, and cry each and every night until 3am.

I didn’t have anything to give me hope in any form. I didn’t have anybody that I could relate to. I didn’t have any music that could pertain to my situation. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I felt like I was alone feeling this way…until I discovered HIM.

You could say that I construed some of the lyrics to match what I was feeling.

When I felt like there was no one out there to empathize with me:

“Oh, my god you’re so lonely. I’m waiting for your call and I’m ready to take your 666 in my heart. I welcome your sweet 666 in my heart. Right here in this heart…” [Your Sweet 666]

“You try to be strong, but you’re always so alone. Whatever I do I do it wrong. Death sings our song, and we eagerly sing along.” [Please Don’t Let It Go]

“I can’t remember the last time you smiled. Oh I know how it feels, I know what it’s like.” [In Love and Lonely]

“I know how it feels to be on your own in this cruel world where hearts are bound to turn to stone. Where you are alone and tired of breathing. It’s all going wrong and you just can’t stand the pain any more. You’re too numb to believe in anything. […] I know how easy it is to let go. Surrender to despair lurking at your door. To lose your soul and all your feelings. Strength all gone and so many things left unsaid and deeds undone.” [Don’t Close Your Heart]

“I hear you weep so far from me. I taste your tears like you’re next to me. And I know my weak prayers are not enough to heal. Oh the ancient wounds so deep and so dear. The revelation is of hatred and fear.” [The Sacrament]

“No one can hurt you now in this haven safe and sound. No one can save you now from this grace you are drowning in. Just hold your breath on your way down. This fortress of tears I’ve built from my fears for you. This fortress won’t fall, I’ve built it strong for you. No one can free you now from the chains around your heart. Don’t be afraid now just dive in this emptiness and hold your breath on your way down.” [Fortress of Tears]

“Heartache is knocking on her door. Shadows dance outside her window. Tears keep falling on the floor. As the world around her crumbles.” [Circle of Fear]

“But gods just laugh at my face and this path remains. Leading me into solitude’s arms I see through the darkness my way back home. The journey seems endless but i’ll carry on.” [The Path]

“For years I’ve seen you fighting against your heart. Living like you’re dying.” [The Cage]

I remember this particular line standing out. I finally realized that the ones that love you will hurt you. It’s inevitable: [It’s All Tears (Drown in This Love)]

“Open your arms and let me show you what love can be like. It’s all tears and it will be ’til the end of your time.”

This was just soothing to hear when you’re in your bed crying for hours:

“Your world is coming to it’s end. But you don’t have to be afraid – I’m here for you. Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we’ll drown in your tears.” [Beginning of the End]

“Tears have turned from sweet to sour and hours to days. You’re hiding yourself away from our cruel world’s embrace. And as your days turn to weeks you’ll cry yourself to sleep.” [The Cage]

I felt like the lyrics were talking about me: [Close to the Flame]

“The kiss sweetest and touch so warm. The smile kindest. In this world so cold and strong.”

I’ll let you figure this one on your own: [Poison Girl]

“A prey she was for the cruelty of love. While its serpent inside crawled straight towards her heart. The coldest kiss love ceased to exist. While we grew apart like never before.”

These lyrics helped me gain confidence: [Beautiful]

“Just one look into your eyes, one look and I’m crying, ’cause you’re so beautiful.
Just one kiss and I’m alive, one kiss and I’m ready to die, ’cause you’re so beautiful.
Just one touch and I’m on fire, one touch and I’m crying, ’cause you’re so beautiful.
Just one smile and I’m wild, one smile and I’m ready to die, ’cause you’re so beautiful.”

I have to add the full lyrics to this song. I had some friends that passed away in junior high and high school…more than any normal amount…[Death is in Love With Us]

“I know it hurts too much
I know that you’re scared
I know you’re running out of trust
Wishing you were dead

In your misery
You’re not alone
So come share your tears with me
And witness it all go wrong

[Chorus]
I know it and I feel it
Just as well as you do, Honey
It’s not our fault if death’s in love with us oh oh
It’s not our fault if the reaper holds our hearts

41+66.6 = our loss
We’re breathing only to fade away
We’re running just to get caught

What love’s lies blessed
What love’s light cursed
Just fear for the best
And hope for the worst

[Chorus]

Death’s in love with us oh oh
The Reaper holds our hearts oh oh
Death’s in love with us oh oh
And the Reaper holds our hearts oh oh

[Chorus]”

Other noteworthy lyrics:

“Is it so hard to believe our hearts are made to be broken by love. […] Ever smiled at the tragedies we hold inside. My darling won’t you cherish the fear of life that keeps you and me so alive” [One Last Time]

“Oh it’s heartache every moment. From the start ’til the end. It’s heartache every moment […] Deeper into our heavenly suffering our fragile souls are falling.” [Heartache Every Moment]

“Oh girl we are the same. We are young and lost and so afraid. There’s no cure for the pain. No shelter from the rain. All our prayers seem to fail. […] In world so hollow. It is breaking my heart.” [In Joy and Sorrow]

“A prayer to a god who’s deaf and blind. The last rites for souls on fire. Three little words and a question why.” [The Funeral of Hearts]

“Feel it turning your heart into stone. Feel it piercing your courageous soul. No one’s gonna catch you when you fall.” [Redemption]

“We are like the living dead. Sacrificing all we have for a frozen heart and a soul on fire. […] And again we’re falling for disgrace and hate will shelter us from the rain.” [Soul on Fire]

“I’ve seen these dreams being crushed by a single thought and felt the envy of sadness engulf all warmth. Barely alive under her eyes by exchanging sighs. With tomorrow quivering in the loneliest light.” [Dying Song]

“Holding hands won’t be enough in a world giving head to a gun.” [Katherine Wheel]

“Every part of me wants to believe there’s a darkness we need to feel. For the brightest light to be seen and felt inside.” [Drawn and Quartered]

No one’s childhood or life is perfect. Some people have an excellent support group while others have to find one. I found my support group in the form of a band from Finland. I don’t think that I would have survived each day well without them. Hearing their music is like hearing a comforting voice from someone you love and trust dearly telling you that everything will be okay.

Although I just gave you some lyrics that may be meaningless to you, they helped me immensely growing up. I found out that there are people out there just like me. I realized that it was okay to feel that way and that others have been feeling that way for a while but continued living. If they could find a reason to survive and love life then I could too.

Currently, I’m completely confident in myself and don’t care about other people’s approvals. I’ve learned that you have to be yourself no matter if it makes other people happy or not. I have one life to live and I can spend it being as quiet, weird, sweet, and mean as I want it to be. I only need to satisfy myself and if someone doesn’t like it then they need to move on from me and focus on something else that they enjoy. If someone pokes fun at me then I’ll ignore them because they’re useless to me. If they continue then I’ll do the same, because you treat others the way you want to be treated.

—–

The Heartagram.

Commonly mistaken as a pentagram or other symbol of satanism, it is something I keep close by. When people give me a disgusted judgmental facial expression as they see this somewhere on me I politely explain: “It’s like a modern-day ying and yang sign.” It basically means that love cannot exist without hate. It’s a constant reminder to me that although I tend to focus on the negativity around me, there’s always a silver lining. I can always find a positive thought in any bad situation no matter what level. I try to practice this as much as I can and would appreciate others to not judge me negatively because I have a Heartagram on my body. Maybe it’s a symbol for her favorite band! Who knows.

—–

I think that I’ve expanded on this topic enough. It was difficult for me to write out my feelings, and I don’t think that I’ve said them all, but this is pretty close. I hope that you can listen to this band with a different viewpoint, or dig deeper into why you love your favorite band.

Please visit these lovely places if you want to know more about HIM!:

Also, Ville used to say “sweethearts” at the end of his interviews often. That’s why I chose that as my closing on my blog posts.

HAPPY HEARTAGRAM DAY 2014!

1398594_753428418005617_822403327_o

Later Sweethearts,
Cilla

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s