Hey y’all this is 2017 Priscilla typing now.
I went back to look at some posts I didn’t publish publicly & I like this one (I have 49 drafts!) to understand why I kept them hidden. I think I found this one unsubstantial content wise, but I think about this “be yourself” concept quite often even today. I still keep my “modes” but I guess I’m better at juggling what I need to focus on. I’m becoming a better adult, but knowing how to act & understanding why I feel pressured to act a certain way are still questions I don’t fully have the answers to today.
I’m actually quite shy & honestly too lazy to socialize (lame I know.) So to love myself completely & be 100% comfortable in my skin I’ve decided that I’m okay with the fact that I’m an ultra introvert. I should write a whole separate blog post on this thought, but here is an introduction question: Is being pressured to “not be yourself” a good thing?
Let me elaborate. Not necessarily “being out of your comfort zone” every now & then, but changing something about yourself that you love & are comfortable with for the sake of gaining new experiences that aren’t necessary to have or for the sake of functioning within society easier. This is quite a vague question & seems like there’s a simple answer: Life is full of wonder, excitement, new things to learn, etc so you should definitely get out of your comfort zone often. But here I’m pondering if becoming unlike something you’ve accepted about yourself in general is healthy. I mean you’ve spent all this time cultivating self love then some optimistic person comes into your life & asks you to go bar hopping with them, go skiing, or do something else that you’re not truly interested in. Should you be filling your life with being out of your comfort zone more than living in content by accepting who you are? It’s definitely another balancing act that adults have to realize, but who says that 70% of your life has to be uncomfortable for the sheer sake of experiencing? Why can’t your life be 90% living in content & comfort? Who is to say how a life should be lived? Who is to judge another because they spend too much time inside or aren’t knowledgable about many experiences. Maybe the answer is: Don’t let judgemental jerks make you feel bad about your life choices.
But that should be the answer to every lifestyle choice right?
This is a phrase that I’ve pondered upon too often.
Everyone tells you “Be yourself and everything will fall into place.” “Be yourself and you’ll be happy.” “Be yourself and those that love you will love you for the right reasons.” “Be yourself and you’ll attract the right people.” etc.
Then you have those that modify this to “Be yourself, just don’t be an asshole.” “Be yourself. Not a jerk.” “Be kind, be loving, be yourself.”
But what if you’re a girl named Priscilla and you find comfort in being yourself, but you happen to also be a lady douchebag?
Welcome to this post where we may not find a closed answer.
(Note: Don’t ask “Priscilla why are you taking quotes on the Internet so seriously?” It’s the principle of the matter; not the delivery.)
I have a terrible temper. I get angry over the small stuff because they tend to escalate into bigger problems.
For example, someone sits next to me in class thinking that they can talk to me during the lecture. I tell them nicely that I’m trying to pay attention, so they stop. But during the next class they try to distract me again, for their own selfish reasons of course.
If me telling them nicely (on multiple occasions, mind you) doesn’t work then what will? I could punch them in the face, but that’s not nice & I’m not the type of person to act violently. What I rather do is firmly, blatantly, and honestly explain to them why I don’t want them doing what they’re doing to me. “Hey, I told you before that I can’t talk during class. I like to pay attention in a class that I paid thousands of dollars for, so I’d appreciate it if you’d stop.”
Then I’m labeled as a bitch, which doesn’t bother me. Who wants to be friends with someone with their type of values? Not this girl. So I don’t care about their opinion.
I was being myself. When I’m at school I’m in what I like to call “School Mode.” I’m very focused on the day’s tasks, so if you try to talk about irrelevant stuff that doesn’t matter during class or when I’m studying you’re not going to get a happy response from me. This is also why I don’t make small talk during “school mode.” I tend to be one track minded so that I can get the most efficiency from my task, and if you can’t accept that then tantpis.
When I’m not in school mode, however, we can talk about the silliest things in the world. I will derp with you if you wanna derp with me at the appropriate time. You may know people that can switch mindsets at the drop of a penny, but I am not one of those people.
So, if I was being myself by staying focused and all that, but also being rude, a jerk, etc. then what am I supposed to do in this limbo that I’ve created? I always hear and read people reiterating the phrase “Don’t change for anyone.” and that doesn’t help at all.
If I’m nicer to the person that won’t leave me alone then they’ll continue to distract me and I won’t get my work done, which will give me bad grades, which will make me want to commit 切腹.
If I stay the way that I am, then I’ll be labeled an “unfriendly” person and people will not want to interact with me outside of class.
What’s a girl to do y’all?
This is a weird side note.
My Logistics professor isn’t the nicest man, but we have so much in common! On the first week he sent out an email to everyone about a story of a professor that gave no mercy to his students when they asked for a better grade at the end of the semester. The responses were exactly the same as the ones that I made up in my mind!
I’m shy about coming in to talk to you, but I’m not shy about asking for a better grade.
Apparently, I’m responsible for someone’s losing a scholarship, flunking out or deciding whether life has meaning.
Without the context these may mean nothing to you but pure sass, but they mean the world to me.
I’ve found someone else that I can add to the list of people that live on my planet. The planet where we don’t care about facts that are irrelevant to the situation. The planet where we don’t like small talk. The planet where we get straight to the honest truth.
My professor makes me frustrated quite often, but it’s always with the notion that I’m the same way. So what I’m saying is that I can feel the impact that I make on others from my professor.
It bothers me, but it makes sense. I believe that my argument for being a “jerk” also has good reasoning and that I shouldn’t change who I am because my reasons are so viable and concrete.
I just want general feedback from the Internet. I’ve explained myself and I don’t know what else to do. This is how I choose to live my life and I am quite friendly and sweet outside of class. I love to have fun and being silly is one of the things that brings me the most joy out of life (besides ice cream.)