Being Asexual

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Hello world, this is where I explain my lack of sexual attraction towards others and give you an added bonus piece of information about my romantic orientation. There’s a lot of confusing stuff here so let’s get started. Oh and also remember this as you’re reading through:

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asexualAce is commonly what Asexual people refer to themselves as. People that identify under this spectrum usually wear a black ring on their right middle finger.  This is what asexuality is:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that means a person feels no sexual attraction to people of any gender. However, a person who identifies as asexual can still choose to have sex, can still love, can still be involved with a romantic partner or get married, and can still engage in normal relationships. Asexuality doesn’t describe what a person chooses to do, but rather how a person feels. Asexual people have emotional needs, feel attraction to others, and can even feel arousal: they just don’t feel sexual attraction.

  • Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction towards others. Real or fictional.
  • Asexuality is real and has existed for years, it’s not a new concept.
  • Asexuality includes varying labels on the romantic spectrum.
  • Asexuality is platonic, romantic, aesthetic, and even sensual attraction. Not sexual attraction. (Unless you lie on the spectrum. I’ll explain later.)
  • Asexuality is being able to be aroused, but not because of a sexual attraction towards someone.
  • Asexuality is dressing nicely, sexy, wearing make up, and putting effort into your appearance.

This is what Asexuality is not: (Many of these apply to Greysexuality and Demisexuality)

  • Asexuality is not a conscious choice.
  • Asexuality is not someone who has not found the right person yet.
  • Asexuality is not being picky, stuck up, a snob, elitist, etc.
  • Asexuality is not looking for attention or going through a phase.
  • Asexuality is not being afraid of certain experiences, not being experienced enough, or virginity.
  • Asexuality is not being celibate, abstinent, a dry spell, a purity pledge, or other religious act.
  • Asexuality is not a low libido or sex drive.
  • Asexuality does not mean that an asexual can’t be in a relationship, be married, have kids, etc.
  • Asexuality is not a preference towards a gender.
  • Asexuality is not shyness, a hormone imbalance, disease, or defect.
  • Asexuality is not being cold hearted or emotionally distant.

Being Asexual is simply lacking sexual attraction towards others, no matter their gender or orientation. This may be easily confused with a low sex drive. Although Asexuals can have either low or high sex drives the difference is that an Asexual can become aroused, but not from another person. For example, an Asexual can find themselves aroused, but not feel the need to engage in sexual activity with another person, solo performance. Which answers one of the most common questions Asexuals get asked: Do you masturbate!? Yes and no. It depends on the person. It’s important to remember that Asexuals are not X, Y, and Z only. There are numerous combinations that go into Asexuality, but the one aspect we have in common is lacking sexual attraction. Which brings me to the Grey area of this orientation.

greysexualGreysexuality is the area between Asexuality and Sexuality/Allosexuality where a person experiences sexual attraction on occasion or very rarely. GrACE, Grey/Gray-A, Grey/Gray Ace are commonly what Greysexual people refer to themselves as.

The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who “experience sexual attraction very rarely, only under specific circumstances, or of an intensity so low that it’s ignorable.” Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.

  • Greysexuality is not normally experiencing sexual attraction, but is experiencing it sometimes.
  • Greysexuality is experiencing sexual attraction, but a low sex drive.
  • Greysexuality is experiencing sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them.
  • Greysexuality is people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances.
  • Greysexuality seems to happen without cause, reason, or pattern.

This is what Greysexuality is not:

  • Greysexuality is not a conscious choice.
  • Greysexuality is not being stuck up, a snob, picky, an elitist, etc.
  • Greysexuality is usually not being attracted to X, Y, and Z. (There are numerous types of sexuality that will describe most cases. i.e. Sapiosexuality: Someone who finds intelligence and the human mind to be sexually attractive.)

Greysexuality lies on the Asexuality spectrum, so there are many combinations regarding sexuality that are taken into account in this label and not one person’s definition defines every person that chooses to identify as Greysexual. In the last bullet point I mentioned that there are numerous types of sexuality and that Greysexual doesn’t seem to hold a pattern, but this may or may not be true depending on the person. Currently there are emerging definitions for different types of attraction (I read one where some people are only attracted to fictional characters), so personally I wouldn’t say “You are Greysexual because you are attracted to any gender that has red hair and an IQ of over 100.” Greysexuality occurs somewhat randomly, on occasion, and usually without reason. A Greysexual person can really admire someone else and find them aesthetically pleasing, but have no sexual attraction towards them (and this may or may not bum the Greysexual out if they are not accepting of their natural orientation.) From the definition above, a person may also identify as Greysexual and experience a frequent but very low sex drive, so again it’s up to the person to define Greysexuality for themselves.

I actually identify as Greysexual just on the account that I have been naturally and truly sexually aroused by another person 3 instances during my 23 years on this dirty green bubble. Although fleeting, it happened, and I’ll explain those later.

demisexualDemisexuality is usually on the other end of the Asexual spectrum with Greysexual being in the middle. Demi or Demisexual are commonly what Demisexual people refer to themselves as.

“Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals.” Demisexuality is different for different people because of several reasons, one of the first and foremost being that the definition of “emotional bond” varies from person to person. Another reason it varies is because people in the asexual spectrum communities often switch labels throughout their lives, and fluidity in orientation and identity is a common attitude. Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation, including being aromantic (romantic attraction to no genders), gray-aromantic (the area between being aromantic and feeling romantic attraction), demiromantic (not feeling romantic attraction until an emotional bond is formed)– they can also be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or polyromantic.

  • Demisexuality is being attracted to another person under circumstances.
  • Demisexuality is being able to have a sexual attraction to another after creating a type of strong emotional bond.
  • Demisexuality is being able to have sexual attractions during their lives although not frequent.

This is what Demisexuality is not:

  • Demisexuality is not a conscious choice.
  • Demisexuality is not being a “good person”, i.e. “I choose to not have sex with this person until I know them and my family likes them.”
  • Demisexuality is not being celibate, abstinent, purity pledge, or other religious reason.

The idea that confuses most people on whether or not they are Demisexual is marking the differences from being what I call a “good person” and being actually Demisexual. The best way I can explain this is that Demisexuals don’t physically become sexually attracted to another until after a strong emotional bond has been created. Whereas being a “good person” is feeling sexual attraction towards someone else, but consciously choosing not to act on those feelings because you want them to fit criteria in your life. A person can be romantic and Demisexual, but not always feel sexual attraction towards someone. For example, a Demisexual can kiss, hold hands, cuddle, and be romantic with another but not feel sexual attraction. What I described is sensual attraction which does not lead to sexual attraction. Correlation does not imply causation.

typesofattractionThese are just some major types of attraction for you to note the differences.

  • Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
  • Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
  • Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
  • Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
  • Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
  • Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

Now that I’ve utterly confused you I’ll move on to how I discovered I’m Asexual. Also, if you have any questions on these orientations send me a message anywhere and I’ll help explain!

mystoryI figured that I was Asexual when I was 12. I was learning about Asexuality in a Science class, and realized that I closely identified with that concept. While my friends were all interested in boys and girls and cultivating romantic relationships with them at a young age, I wasn’t. I realized that something was different when I entered my teens and still didn’t want what they did. I thought I was a “late bloomer” for a bit, but it truly didn’t bother me so much to make a huge impact on my life. I just thought that I had less to worry about since I wasn’t attracted to anyone sexually, and I didn’t see anything wrong or harmful with not being sexually attracted to another.

I was never closely attracted to boys or girls growing up. If anything I thought that they needed to stay away from me, and that they were gross if they saw an interest in me. Not much has changed. There were a few occasions when naïve Priscilla had a sparked romantic interest in a few boys in her younger years, but she never wanted them to go past hanging around each other.

I’ve had 4 boyfriends until my current age of 23. I experienced these relationships mostly due to my romantic orientation, which I haven’t quite pinpointed yet. Basically I’ve got rose-colored glasses on when I see the person I’m platonically attracted to, and I enjoy the flirting stage of a relationship hardcore, but I don’t have a sexual attraction to these people and I don’t want to do anything more than a mere kiss every now and then. Even after a few kisses I completely lose interest in any sensual attraction, so it’s fleeting in every case. This may seem like I’m just seeking romantic or attractive attention, or even that I’m being a tease, but the harsh reality of my orientation, including my romantic orientation, is that I’m a somewhat romantic Asexual. I enjoy flirting when I feel a platonic attraction towards another, not with anyone and everyone keep that in mind, because of my romantic orientation. But because I am Asexual and lack sexual attraction towards others I do not want it to lead to sex or much anything else to do with that.

Here are some possibilities for my romantic orientation. I’ll color code which parts resonate with me if the whole definition doesn’t apply, and maybe a reader can help me identify my romantic orientation. I believe I’m mostly Post Rubor since I enjoy the flirting stage, but don’t want a relationship. I’m also somewhat relationship repulsed:

Aroflux: Is someone whose romantic orientation is on the aromantic spectrum & is defined as:
1. Someone who’s romantic orientation fluctuates but always stays on the aro spectrum. (ex. one day you’re demiro, another day lithro, the next aro, etc)
2. Someone who’s romantic orientation fluctuates from, experiencing romantic attraction, some romantic attraction, & experiencing no romantic attraction.
3. Some people who are aroflux feel as if they are alloromantic at times, while other aroflux people don’t feel that way. Aroflux people can be romance repulsed, romance indifferent / neutral/apathetic towards romance, or romance positive, and can have any sexual orientation.

Bellusromantic: Is someone who is fine with cute fluffy stuff with anyone but you don’t want a relationship at all / not necessarily arospec identity, similar to nonamory.

Frayromantic: Is someone who experiences romantic attraction towards strangers and people you are less familiar with, which fades away when you get to know them more.

Lithromantic/Aporomantic/Akoi(ne)romantic: Is someone who can feel a romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy romantic relationships in theory, but not needing that affection to be reciprocated or be in a relationship with the one the feelings are directed towards. Either that, or they may stop feeling the attraction once in a relationship or stop enjoying it.

Post rubor: Is someone who quickly gets crushes/squishes/etc on others, but after the initial excitement of said crush/etc vanishes so do their feelings.

Platonic attraction is whenever one has a type of attraction that is non-sexual. Confusing? Think of a friend that is very close to you, but you would not want to have sex with them. That’s how I feel constantly save those 3 instances I mentioned earlier. This is a bit confusing because my orientations seem like they contradict each other, but I’ll try to make it as clear as possible. I admire people that hold themselves up to high standards, that are nice, funny, easy-going, healthy, silly, intelligent, and the list goes on and on. These are platonic attractions. I’ve had these with friends (remember non-sexual) that I admire deeply, celebrities, and also with ex-boyfriends. There was some aspect of them that intrigued/attracted me to them, but in a purely platonic manner. I chose to enter these relationships because I admired these people so much. So yes, I basically endured the sexual aspect of these relationships with my ex-boyfriends and tried to steer away from that part as often as I could. It did not end well lol but that fact didn’t bring me down after I understood completely that I am Asexual. It’s also important to note that this is not the case for every Asexual person, just in my case.

I’ll have a section below for the most common questions I get asked, so you’ll get more information there, but for now I’ll move on to my “coming out” story.

There isn’t one. 😅  I, like most Asexuals, have always been distant/uninterested towards sexuality so my family members weren’t shocked. Growing up I would have platonic crushes, but I never expressed interest in getting married, having kids, or anything else to do with sexual experiences. I’ve always told my family in different situations that I’m Asexual although I never outright said it to them. Ever since I was young I always said I would adopt, I always said that I would never get pregnant or be married, and I would always get grossed out by the idea of anything to do with sexual experiences, although I do make dirty jokes rarely and will talk about how reproductive organs operate all day and night (explained further below.) I’m going to make another list at the end of this section for the sake of clarification, but basically if any act or event in life involved sexual experiences I was definitely not interested at a young age and haven’t changed my mind until my current age.

asexual

I guess me going to the San Francisco PRIDE parade in 2016 could classify as me coming out. I posted a photo of me holding an ACE flag to my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat so all of my connected family and friends could see, but it wasn’t planned as me coming out. I really didn’t see a reason to tell everyone what I did with my genitals and I’m straight so I didn’t have much motivation for explaining my orientation. I do now just to share my experience, help anyone that thinks there’s something wrong with them, and be a source of support. Asexuals don’t usually feel too compelled to “come out.” My mom couldn’t care less as long as I’m happy and my dad just plain doesn’t care about anything. My brother hasn’t spoken to me on the subject, but he’s a pretty progressive person so I don’t think he would have any opinions on my orientation. The only slack I get is from recently acquired friends who laugh at me and don’t take my orientation seriously. They can seriously fuck off.

Asexuals, Greysexuals, and Demisexuals:

  • Can or can not be sexually or relationship repulsed.
  • Can or can not be married or in a relationship.
  • Do or don’t have kids biologically or adopted.
  • Do or don’t like sex.
  • Do or don’t have sex.
  • Do and don’t masturbate either rarely or frequently.
  • Are and are not extroverted or introverted.
  • Are and are not virgins or sexually experienced.
  • Can and can not be kinky, into BDSM, or other sexual acts (remember it’s about sexual attraction and there’s a spectrum)
  • Are and are not aromantic (someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction)

questionsandanswers

How do you navigate in a hypersexualized world?
I’m going to divide this question into two parts:
Media:
In the past I used to get quite angry and annoyed when I saw a sex scene thrown into a movie, book, or other form of media I was involved in, but now it doesn’t usually bother me. I logically understand that if someone wants to make a large profit from a piece they made the easiest way to grab attention is through sex, and I don’t blame them. If I were an artist I would probably use a sexual piece to grab a broad audience’s attention then divert that attention to other non-sexual works. So usually I just ignore it. There are times however when I’m thrown sex scene after sex scene into something I’m watching and it actually irritates me more than an eye roll (cue Game of Thrones reference.) In everyday advertisements I think that I’ve gotten so accustomed to sexualized ads that I don’t pay attention to them. I was watching a Youtube video recently and the advertisement that I couldn’t skip through was for T-Mobile and featured a celebrity having a fake orgasm while talking about her added fees. That was annoying, and usually I can’t do anything to choose what advertisements I see so I either focus my attention elsewhere or I endure it. Sex is unfortunately a part of life that is exposed probably the most out of any other aspect, so I have to slowly learn to accept this fact. Also, I choose to listen to passionate music (my favorite genre) and the songs are usually about love and that doesn’t bother me.

Everyday Interactions:
Disclaimer: I’m not being cocky, conceited, narcissistic, etc. Throughout my life people have no issues with telling me that I’m attractive and I’m also stereotyped as the sexy latina, the shy/timid indian girl, or some other label oversexualizing my existance. That being said, I’m often the target of romantic/sexual interests and it usually pisses me off to the nth degree. It’s the fact that this occurs so often in my life coupled with catcalling, stalking, staring, other acts of rudeness and the idea that I’m just a pretty thing to play with sexually. My body shape doesn’t dictate what I want, need, or feel, and I’m definitely not “made” for sex. There’s more to life than just sex and this is especially true for an Asexual like me who doesn’t want anything to do with sex. The terrible thing about this situation is that although I tell people up front that I’m Asexual they 10 out of 10 times laugh it off, push it aside, and continue to treat me like a piece of meat. How do I deal with this? Talk to them in a very straightforward and usually aggressive manner that I’m Asexual, not interested in them, and need to bury that idea in the ground along with their lack of respect for others that they obviously buried a long time ago.

If I’m exposed to many conversations about flirting, being romantically interested in someone (gossip), sex, or other sensual acts I get really irritated. It’s my personal belief that there’s more to life than reproducing or swapping microbes and fluids with other humans, and I would rather the conversations go in more intelligent directions. Which brings me to the fact that I stated earlier that I can speak about reproductive organs, make dirty jokes every now and then, and generally talk about sexuality without blushing or stuttering. If there’s a need to inform someone about a topic around sexuality then I will definitely deeply explain to them whatever they need to know. If they want to talk about the new 50 Shades of Grey movie, that one sex scene out of the billion sex scenes in Game of Thrones, or if Jake likes their hair more up or down then I’m exiting the conversation. Also, sometimes there are women who I meet that are in a sort of strange competition with me. They think that I’ve garnered all the males attention in the room, so they act crudely towards me without getting to know me. I didn’t sign up for this invisible war that doesn’t apply to me so please leave me alone and gain some confidence in yourself, thanks.

One more point I should add is that people don’t usually see me as an Asexual, so I’m by default marked as a Straight Cisgender Allosexual, which can cause issues (i.e. not having many guy friends because they persisted in trying to “get with me” to the point where I would yell at them/scare the shit out of them and tell them to stop.) I don’t wear a sign on my body that says “I’M ASEXUAL” and even if I did there are a lot of people who would ignore that and think that they could “fix me.” I think that because the majority of the population is Allosexual/Sexual (Asexuals make up 1% of the population) others perceive me as Allosexual as well and keep trying to flirt or “get with” me. If I have no peaked platonic interest in the other person then having them flirt with me can be very annoying, mostly due to the fact that I stated above, there’s more to life than sex. It’s also important to note that although I can have platonic relationships with people I’m not platonically attracted to every one of those relationships romantically. For example, I could really admire a person but not want to date them, or I could really admire another person and want to date them. There’s no formula for this, but it’s important to point out that just because I have these labeled relationships with others doesn’t mean X, Y, and Z. Every person is different.

How can you be Asexual if you always say that certain celebrities are your husbands or when you have crushes on tangible people?
Because I’m overly dramatic? I joke around alot and when I say that a celebrity that I admire a lot is my husband I truly mean that I’m very platonically attracted to them, but would not like to have a sexual relationship with them. Although I did state earlier that I’m Greysexual so if Rupert Grint wants to donate himself to the cause of figuring out my sexuality then my address is LOL jk. Also I call Beyonce my mom, my best friends my sisters and brother, and even have one childhood friend that I’ve always referred to as my wife even to this day. So let’s get over the fact that I can be over dramatic 💁🏾

As for tangible crushes, I have platonic crushes that will sometimes be coupled with me wanting to kiss someone once or twice, cuddle with them, or hold hands. This just means that I find them very attractive to the point where I would like to get closer to them, but I still don’t have a sexual attraction to them. What I described is platonic attraction coupled with sensual attraction, and I can immediately tell when I will be sensually attracted to someone, thus the definitions of my romantic orientation that I stated earlier. So again, boys and girls reading this, don’t try to say that you can “fix me” in the hopes that I will become sensually attracted to you. It’s a very quick discernation on whether I’m sensually attracted to someone so if you’re not one of the chosen ones then tant pis and get the fuck over it. I’m a very keen person and I’m good at reading others as well, so I will definitely catch on if you’re one of the “I will fix you” people and I will increasingly hate you more and more each time you try to flirt with me. So you’re better off just accepting the truth and not having me be pissed off at you eternally. There are similar types of relationships coined as having a Squish or a Lush.

Squishes: In the asexual community, the equivalent of a “crush”, but explicitly lacking an interest in forming a romantic couple or having a sexual relationship with the person in question. It does not matter if they are “in a relationship”, as long as you two can have a deep connection. A squish is an intense feeling of attraction, liking, appreciation, admiration for a person you urgently want to get to know better and become close with. It is different from “just wanting to be friends” in that there is an intensity about it and a disproportionate sense of elation when they like and appreciate you back. “They’re people I just really love and want to be close to and be intimate with – but not in a sexual way. I just feel very connected with them and attracted to them and I want to be important in their lives. But I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with them.”

Lush: A sensual (not sexual) equivalent of a squish or crush. (Not the British slang meaning)

What were those 3 instances you had with sexual attraction?
Thus self-defining myself as Greysexual. One of them was in real life with an actual boyfriend of mine, but it involved wine so I don’t think that truly counts.🤷🏾‍♀️  The other 2 happened with celebrity crushes. No it’s not Ville Valo or Johnny Depp. I’m not gonna say 🙊

Are all Asexuals straight? Are there Gay Asexuals?
Asexuality is an orientation for sexual attraction and includes a wide spectrum of gender and non-gender attractions. As for me, I’m straight. I always say “unfortunately” after stating that because I think it would be nice to be a lesbian. The female gender knows me the best, so I think that we wouldn’t fight about the stupid stuff that boys don’t understand about girls. I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl, (it’s hard enough to get me in a relationship with a boy haha) and as hard as I try, I don’t think I’ll ever be lesbian although I’m open to the idea. There are Asexuals who experience attraction (platonically, aesthetically, sensually, but not sexually) towards the gender they identify with (female – female, male -male, non-binary – non-binary, intersex – intersex, etc) and of different genders. There are no set rules towards which gender (including non-binary, intersex, and others that I’m not aware of) an Asexual is attracted to.

Are more female or males Asexual?
There was an actual study of the Asexual community with the results being that most Asexuals out of the sample taken were those who identified as female. There are no two genders within this orientation however, there is a spectrum. Usually Agender (someone who does not identify with a particular gender) people subsequently identify as Asexual, but that’s not true for every Agender person. There are also gender fluid people who are Asexual meaning that they could identify as one or no gender, but remain Asexual. But even that could change. It’s important to note that because someone chooses to identify as Agender, female, male, Asexual, Greysexual, Demisexual, etc at different times doesn’t mean that their identities are trivial, or that they shouldn’t be taken seriously. If someone wants to identify as something then just let them. Life is easier when we’re easily accepting rather than fighting something that doesn’t affect us.

As for me, I’ve often identified myself as a boy because I have similar interests as them. I have an immature sense of humor, I generally act like a dude, and I fit in with them easily. Now as a 23 year old my friends have often said to me “Priscilla you’re like a dude without a penis.” I identify as a girl but a very boyish/manish girl. I don’t have a preferred pronoun, so if you want to call me she, her, he, him, they, them, then that’s fine with me. Just don’t be rude to me.

Are Asexual people willing to be in relationships?
Yes and no. It depends on the person. This is good practice in general just to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, before you jump into anything life changing. I know Asexuals (and people who don’t identify as Asexual) who want to live a life without a relationship, and I know Asexuals that do want a relationship. As for me, if it happens it happens (I’m never actively seeking companionship), but the other person has to respect me and the relationship has to be healthy and supportive. I’m not going to enter into a relationship for the sake of it or because it’s the normal thing to do. I’m not going to waste my time if they don’t respect me and I don’t need a romantic relationship in my life to feel complete. Me, my friends, and family are good enough for me and if they weren’t factors in my life then I would be enough for me.

If you haven’t gathered from the above paragraph, I don’t want to get married. It’s not because of childhood trauma with my parents (who are still married 🖕🏽) , it’s not because of statistics showing that marriages don’t last, and it’s not because of my failed past relationships. I’ve never wanted to marry. I’ve always wanted to be by myself, yes even into old age. I’ve never needed another person to complete myself and I don’t now. It’s not something I need or desire and seems quite useless besides the tax break, and possibly aid for a medical emergency. But my aunt drove herself to the hospital while she was having a stroke, and my grandma at age 70 changed her clothes before going to the emergency room for puncturing a hole in her leg while it was raining and having copious amounts of blood spewing out, so 🤷🏾‍♀️

How do Asexuals date?
Like normal people? It varies from person to person, so if you’re looking for a clear cut answers to Asexuality then you should embrace the fact that you will never find them. Dating is getting to know someone, deciding you like certain aspects of them, basically dealing with what you don’t like about them, and ultimately respecting their wants, needs, desires, etc. If you have healthy relationships where you respect your partner then you will find no difference in dating an Asexual. Like I said, there are Asexuals who like kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc and those who do not. That could also change during different stages of the relationship, so if you like someone and they tell you they are Asexual then ask them what they like and dislike. If it’s a healthy relationship then you should have no issues with avoiding accordingly. Just pay attention and you’ll be fine.

Do you think you will change?
I’m an ever-changing human and although I’ve felt Asexual my entire life to this point there is the possibility that I could become Demisexual, Allosexual, or another orientation. The possibility is incredibly low in my opinion, but I’m a statistician (logistics major!) so I will not completely rule out changing my orientation in the future. I could also not be straight in the future. Why limit yourself? You could just live your life truly and experience along the way.

annoyingremarks

I thought I should list out some of the terrible things that have been said to me when I did “come out” as Asexual to some people. I simply stated that I was Asexual and didn’t have sexual attractions to people and they decided to answer that by being incredibly rude. Please don’t say these things to an Asexual.

“You’re just so busy with life that you don’t have time now to think about being in a relationship.”
I’ve always felt Asexual. Even when I was in a relationship I felt Asexual. That’s a lame excuse that doesn’t apply to me, nor any other Asexual.

“Asexuality doesn’t exist! Humans are meant to have sex! It’s natural!”
First of all I can physically have sex, I just lack sexual attraction to others. Second of all, saying that one aspect of life is something that all humans experience is incredibly closed minded. That’s like saying “Everyone should have a baby! If you don’t then you’re not doing your job! If you can’t then you’re not a functioning member of society!” Not everyone wants to or can reproduce and that’s fine. Some people are colorblind, some people are born without limbs, some can’t walk, some people are born with dyslexia, autism, asperger’s, schizophrenia, and other mental disorders. Would you go up to each of them and say “All humans have functioning brains, eyes, and limbs! It’s natural and what you’re experiencing is made up!” Hey, even some people don’t like to eat fish or other foods. Is it your place to determine their experiences? Would you go up to them and say “Fish are meant to be eaten! It’s only natural! Just do it!” No. Nobody will be hurt because an Asexual is an Asexual. Also intersex people exist. Some people may think that a human can only be born a girl or a boy, but alas intersex people are born as a “girl” but have male genitalia or vise versa. The world is a beautiful place and there is no binary or standard as to what we experience naturally.

“You’re really cold hearted! Why do you hate people so much?”
Again, it’s not a conscious choice. I naturally lack sexual attraction towards others, but I’m one of the most compassionate people you’ll meet in your life. I’m an Empath, Feminist, and a Vegan for God’s sake.

“You haven’t found the right person yet” or “You’ve been hurt in the past and you’re afraid to open up.” or “This is just a phase.” or “How do you know if you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it.”
🙄  It’s not a conscious choice.

For context: A person hates snakes just from seeing photos and videos of them. Would you tell them “Oh you just haven’t found the right snake yet!” A person doesn’t like rabid dogs with rabies and mange. Would you say to them “You just haven’t found the right rabid dog yet!” Another doesn’t want to experience HIV, AIDS, or Cancer. Would you tell them “You just haven’t found the right disease yet!” Another person sees a beehive and would not want to put their head in it. Would you go up to them and say “How do you know that you don’t want to put your head in the beehive if you haven’t tried it!?”

A human can know whether they enjoy something or not, and they don’t have to have the experience. We have these beautiful human brains and chemicals in our bodies that help us decipher what we like and dislike (catering to each individual body, environment, etc) and what to bring into our lives and what to avoid. These beautiful brains are enough to decide the factors of our individual lives, and if your beautiful brain wants to have sex and enjoy it then an Asexual will not judge you for that. Please reciprocate.

Using corrective rape as a solution. Or “I can fix that.”
This actually happens. Corrective rape is basically having sex with someone who doesn’t want it (at all or in a certain way) just in the sheer hope that they will change their mind and end up liking sex a certain manner. Mind you there are Asexuals who do enjoy sex, but for the other Asexuals that don’t enjoy sex they are often faced with this traumatic event. Straight, Gay, Asexual, Queer, and everyone in the LGBTQA+ community including straight cisgender people could be potential victims of corrective rape. A Straight person could rape a Gay person in the hopes that they will identify as Straight and enjoy Straight sex. A Gay person could rape a Straight person in the hopes that they will identify as Gay and enjoy Gay sex. An Allosexual could rape an Asexual in the hopes that they will identify as Allosexual and enjoy sex. Let’s just not do this at all. Accepting people is easier.


For some last remarks I’m going to point out that being Asexual doesn’t give the Allosexual (or whoever feel sexual attraction) an excuse to treat the Asexual like less of a human being or like shit. This is no excuse to guilt trip them or get mad at them for not “changing” into an Allosexual after you decided that you would be able to “fix” them with your genitals. If you’re not loving enough to fully embrace every aspect of your partner then you don’t need to be in a relationship. You can’t say “I want to break up with you because you don’t like sex” after the Asexual told you upfront how they feel about sex (if they don’t enjoy it.) For my Asexuals: It’s a hard world out there but it’s totally possible to find a loving and supportive relationship if you want one. Just find out how to weed out the fuckboys/fuckgirls, and don’t blame yourself for their shitty actions.

resources

Later Sweethearts,
Cilla

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8 thoughts on “Being Asexual

  1. Really interesting read, and I found a lot I can relate with in it. Sex has always been something that I’ve enjoyed, but it’s never been my motivation for seeking relationships and friendships with others. I like people for their brains and their actions, and I’m far more interested in that aspect of them than I am with what they look like naked lol. For a straight guy like me, society can make it kinda difficult to express this aspect about myself without being perceived as being gay or unmasculine. Glad I’m not the only one out there who has a difficult time explaining what attracts and motivates me to being part of other people lives. Thanks for the post Cilla!

  2. I think this is a very well written post. I think you have explained your orinetation well. I can see hiw your experience as a woman is different than mine as a man. As a man, even a relatively attractive one 9so others insist), I tend not to be approached for dating so I can be safe iside my little bubble. Women, on the other habd, are approached routinely and need to actively repel attempts to date. I think tis differences women to discover and assert their asexuality more than most men would. This may explain the discrepancy in the number of make Aces as compared to Females.

    1. That’s a possibility, although I don’t have the details of the study so I can’t delve into the factors on why more women identified themselves as Asexuals over men. Thanks for reading!

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