Go With The Flow

Hi Internet

I wanted to write about something so I could understand it better. I wanted to write it out from my point of view so I can clearly see what the fuck was happening since emotions tend to get the best of me. I don’t have them all the time but when I do idk what to do with them tbh. I take them in fully & savor every moment to the point where logic is thrown out the window & feelings get hurt. There has to be an end to the romance, but that’s not something that I’m keen to remind myself about.

Life is pretty depressing when you take off the rose colored glasses.

I could get into the details of the situation but that’s not what’s important here. I met someone & I don’t know if it’s the perfect mix of our romantic personalities, us enjoying the feelings that flowed through, enjoying the simple things about our interactions, or what but this crush exemplified to the point where it got out of hand. As I mentioned in my Asexual post, I get crushes quite often and it’s majorly due in part to the potential that I see in them or the image that I create of them in my mind; not usually the reality of who they are. I know it’s a toxic habit, but like I said life is pretty depressing when you take off the rose colored glasses.

I met this person when I was feeling very ill physically. Actually, before I fell ill last year I had “beaten” my depression and anxiety. I didn’t have anxiety about who I am as a person (confidence, self esteem, etc.) but rather about situations & interactions with other people. The depression is just me not enjoying being a human nor asking to be here in the first place, but I met some pretty rad people in California that have made me rethink my philosophy on life.

This person initially took care of me because it was their job. They were patient with me, understanding, and wanted the best for me. I could see that they were good natured, but it might have been because that’s all they wanted me to see. I didn’t know this person very personally, but I didn’t realize that until after we had cut ties. We both had rose colored glasses & we had our own world full of innocence and admiration. It felt so good, but we were paving a detrimental path considering societal expectations & other imminent relationships .

Our interactions were so innocent that we didn’t even hug throughout this entire ride. We were enjoying the fact that we were emotionally & intellectually akin. It was pure. We met at least once a week, had very similar interests & personalities, and even backgrounds. It was crazy how identical we were including our love for music, which sounds surface based but in the moment it felt like more. It’s definitely my outlook on life that exaggerated this situation and whatever they were dealing with on their end to add to this pot. I’m INTJ and extremely picky about the people I interact with. Whenever I find people that I adore, accept, & get along with easily I give them my all. They mean a lot to me because I’ve found someone from my planet. It’s not like I don’t believe that anyone on Earth is from “my planet” but we are hard to come by so when I find a kindred spirit I want to keep them by my side. Having friends is important in life. Having a support system or just people to make you feel good and not alone, and adding to that system isn’t a crime no matter how old you are or where you’re at in life. I don’t think I did anything wrong in giving this person my full attention since I’ve done that with friends in the past & we’re still close after many years. I trust my tribe with everything & they trust me as well. It’s a healthy support system & I wouldn’t ever do anything to harm them without their consent (i.e. giving feedback they don’t want to hear.)

I don’t believe in shallow relationships. People tell me to network all the time because someone out there could introduce me to the right person to further my career or if I get into any practical troubles they can help me out of it. That’s nice, but I think I can manage pretty well on my own. I’d rather spend my time & energy on genuine interactions with people that I truly care about and that do the same for me. I guess I’m impractical in that sense and maybe future Priscilla will think current Priscilla is a dumb dumb, but it’s what I stand by. I don’t need a ton of people as a safety net. I need to feel safe within myself (which I think I’m doing pretty good at so far) & I need the people I care about to feel the same, safe within themselves.

It’s hard for me to grasp but I know it’s inevitable. Logic & societal pressures play a part in a human being’s path & I can’t ignore those concepts to chase a euphoria.

It takes the participation of 2 people to have a relationship. Each party has to make an effort, so I know that I wasn’t pushing anyone in a certain direction. Hell, I’m too lazy to do that. Especially in my current Anemic state where I barely spend an entire day not dizzy or taking 2 fatigue naps. I could never put in that much thought into manipulating someone else. I have a terrible memory & could barely remember what I ate for breakfast today, so constructing intricate lies isn’t something I’d be good at nor an idea that I’d want to pursue. I would never want to strip someone else’s free will either. If you want to interact with me it has to be genuine. & vise versa, otherwise I’d get annoyed WAY too easily & just cut that person off then & there. I don’t have time like that to waste.

Here’s something that’s new to me & I think it occurred because I was spending so much time being fatigued that I essentially found it as entertainment, which is terrible. & I realize that because if it happened to me I’d feel like shit that someone found pleasure in my pain. When this got out of hand, it was fun. I wasn’t conscious of it until the person I met said it to me. I was immediately offended by it but now I realize that the events unfolding were interesting because we didn’t know what was going to happen. I guess in their POV they would either end up with one woman or the other. In my POV… honestly I don’t know.

We never talked about it but I don’t know what choice I would have made if it presented itself. I had circumstances to consider too & although the flirting & strong emotions made everything seem shiny & worth it I didn’t know if it was. What would I end up with? Would I make the wrong choice based purely on emotions? I don’t know this person well enough but they are handsome, caring, & nice… & as they put it “my twin”. But did I believe that? I didn’t know them well enough to draw that conclusion so I guess in my case it would have been to either be with them & work through all the fuss that would surely come along with it or reject them & have them regret their decision?

I don’t want to hurt people although you can’t make everyone happy. I didn’t know what would make me or them or anyone involved truly happy. I don’t think it was possible. Maybe habit is best in this case, but I don’t honestly believe that. You have to be uncomfortable in order to find what could serve you better. How do you know if you don’t try?

So you may discredit my judgement here but Russell Brand said something on Instagram that made me think about all my past relationships & why they still have some kind of hold on me (other than me caring about them, obviously). He was talking about how people hold onto their exes & why:

You’ve allowed them to become an emblem of something you should be taking responsibility for yourself.

Either in your sense of fun, sense of romance, sense of pragmatism or responsibility.

I could see this in my older relationships. I felt like I needed them for emotional support, but I’ve learned to trust & take care of myself in that sense. I tried to look deep & hard (that’s what she said :D) at the situation, but I DETEST the convenient thought that everything uncomfortable teaches you something. You shouldn’t use people. That’s terrible & rude in my opinion. But if I were to take Russell’s word into consideration regarding these events maybe I could see myself not being pragmatic.

& that’s bullshit.

What’s more bullshit is that I have someone in my life who is VERY pragmatic to the point where there’s minimal romance & I might have been trying to balance my emotional scales with 2 people. Or I could be totally off the path & that’s fine too. There’s no right or wrong way to live or see life. Which is why I don’t like the “every person/situation that didn’t break you made you stronger/taught you something.” It’s just another set of words to make us feel better.

But I digress. If I were to entertain this theory then yes I need to work on my pragmatism because you cannot survive in this life without it? No I don’t believe that at all. People live against societal norms & they are happy & successful. Fuck that. If my ancestors are trying to tell me to settle & be more logical considering what society approves of that day then you’re going to be beating a dead horse for quite some time.

I still believe that you should follow your emotions, but also be aware of how other’s are affected to a certain extent. If it’s not causing them great harm then go ahead & feel all those happy butterflies. If you’re hurting someone purposely then stop. We’re all just trying to do our best on this dirty blue bubble.

So because I refuse to believe that every situation/interaction is supposed to teach us something so we can continue on our golden path to the “greater good” then eventually reach Nirvana, I don’t see why this happened to me. I can see how it helped the other party, but I didn’t get a fair share of benefit.

Well one thing stood out to me.
But it’s shit that this is all I got out of such an intense situation.

“I feel better knowing that there’s someone like me out there.”

So I guess that’s cool.

Later Sweethearts,
Cilla

 

 

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